Hang on while I wipe the streams of tears that have gushing down my face for the past half hour.
OK, Honestly? I’m not crying. But I should be.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but in between all the daily activities I’ve been juggling at work and home, I’ve been working on writing a novel. It’s the one thing I really love waking up for each day. Since I’ve been doing this, all my senses have been on overdrive. I’ve been mentally recording everything: things people say to the way litter is spread out on the ground. I know it’s a total long shot that my little piece of fluffy fiction would ever get published, but I have this calling and sense of urgency right now telling my soul that this is what I’m meant to do. Like *right now*.
It hasn’t been easy. Even writing just one sentence is a struggle for me because I always doubt myself and question any talent I think I may have. Why do we do that to ourselves anyway? Plus, with writing feature stories at work all day and authoring my next my craft book, I’m literally *worded* out! However, I’m not going to let that stop me from fulfilling this mission.
Fiction is such an intimidating creature to wine and dine. Every day I take baby steps and then pat myself on my back for making it that much further. I’ve been chipping away on developing my characters and their storylines for the past few months. I love them so much, I feel like they are all a part of me. Every day a situation will come up where I’ll think “How would so-and-so handle this?” And then I make sure to notate it in my journal. I don’t leave home without that thing! I’m addicted to jotting down observations of all kinds of weird, funny, sad and happy things that strike me. Every so often, I input all the info in my computer and add some padding to give my notes some shape before I dive into the actual writing process (which will be very soon!).
It appears that during my PC to Mac switch last month, I saved all my files except my book drafts. Tonight I ripped apart my whole home office, corner to corner, desperately trying to hunt down “The Disk” – but to no avail. It’s gone. All my hard work. It sounds so corny, but my heart aches like if I left the front door open and my new little adorable Chihuahua puppy escaped.
Warning: whiney moment ahead… Sometimes it seems all my individual efforts load up on a green status bar in front of my life. It fills all the way to 85, 86, 87 percent…and then it stops. The green bar turns to red and starts flashing “EXECUTION FAILED, TRY AGAIN LATER”.
Maybe this stuff happens for a reason. Maybe my first drafts were crap and the novel Gods wanted to send me back to the drawing board. On the bright side, I still have my journal. It’s cover is embellished with little mirrors and sequins. how could that not cheer me up? Inside it’s jammed packed with all my notes and scribbles since the evolution of this project. Perhaps I’ll interpret them differently this time when I input them and the overall story will come out better. Maybe those drafts were just my warm up session! Even though it throughly SUCKS to have to start all over, I can live with my positive spin on this obstacle. I have no choice!
So as of right now, I’m letting it go to make room for the fabulous things that are to come next…
* All content/photos copyright, © Kathy Cano-Murillo, 2008.