WARNING: Not for weak stomachs! Don’t read if you have overactive visualization skills or a sensitive gag reflex.
Bianca, our chihuahua, is due to have puppies this week. The vet told us to take her temperature every night to predict when it is actually going to happen. Last night I violated her booty with the digital thermometer, but when my fingers got doused with “juice” I was like, NO way…I put her in the bathroom and went to bed.
Early this morning Patrick woke me up with a sharp edge in his otherwise sexy voice.
“Bianca just SH*T all over the bathroom floor, the runny kind! And I’m not touching it!” He then took off in the car to take DeAngelo to school. He usually is the poop maestro, but this time he was leaving this project to me. So unfair!
I’m a weak woman. I’ll admit right now that there are three things I can’t handle: ghosts, blood and poop.
– Once when DeAngelo was a baby I was giving him a bath in the tub and he got a bad case of the runs. IN THE WATER! I panicked and reached for the cordless phone and called Patrick home from band practice. I told him it was an emergency. He raced home to find a tub of stinky brown water. He had to stick his arm down there and pull the plug because I kept gagging.
– Once I had a job in daycare but they sent me home on the second day because I kept gagging when I had to change Number 2 diapers.
– Once in high school when I was babysitting the neighbor’s two-year-old girl, she had a heavy load in her diapers. I knew her mom was due home anytime so I let this poor little girl wait it out. It was all good until she fell on her butt and thick chunk of poop shot out down her leg and across the carpet. God, I can’t believe I’m telling you this! She started crying and I did too. The mom was due home any minute! I called my mom on the phone and told her it was a serious emergency and that I needed her expertise and assitance IMMEDITATELY, could she please come over quickly! She wouldn’t agree until I told her what the dealio was. Then she laughed and said, “Well, honey that is what you are getting paid for. If you had been a responsible babysitter you would have changed her diaper a long time ago and this wouldn’t be happening.” Sobbing and gagging, I quickly took care of the situation while both the kids just stared at me.
So now you will understand why I did what I did this morning. I’m so ashamed.
After I was informed of the poop emergency and was left to fend for myself…I walked over to the crime scene and peeked. It was a stinkin’ war zone. There were little black piles all over. They looked like burnt, oily piles of chorizo. I covered mouth with my hand and wholeheartedly gagged. I staggered down the hallway, head hung low. I looked up in despair and there – like a ray of angelic light, right in front of my face – was the door to little Maya’s bedroom. Without a second thought I pushed the door open with my free hand and walked to her bed. She was laying there looking all cozy in slumberland, not a care in the world.
“Maya…” I whispered…“Maya…wake up for a sec sweetie…“
She didn’t open her eyes but she responded with a wide grin and a “Hi Mommy…good morning…”
“You wanna get out of cleaning the kitchen all week, sweetie?”
She rubbed her eyes with her little clenched fists and nodded her head in agreement.
“OK, follow me, I need you to help me with something very important right now…”
She dragged herself out of bed and blew me a kiss in the air with her skinny lips. Her eyes were still closed as she leaned her limp pre-teen body against the hallway wall and followed me down the corridor.
“I am such an evil, wicked mother…for shame for shame,” I thought to myself.
“This way Maya…” I lovingly coaxed. We both got to the bathroom door and I pushed it open. She was right in the middle of letting out a huge yawn while stretching out her arms when the stench hit her nostrils like a double batch of smelling salts.
“Please, please, please will you help me clean this up? Bianca got sick and I know I’ll throw up…”
“What a way to wake me up!”
The two us went in and tackled the assignment. We were a tag team, we worked in beautiful tandem to complete this horrifying chore. I sprayed the piles with the closest thing I could find, which was shower cleaner. I then covered them with paper towels. Then I gagged and stepped out of the room. Maya went in with about six paper towels and cleaned up the areas that I had just soaked. She stuffed them in a plastic bag. Then she gagged, stepped out and then I went in and went over the spots with an SOS pad. I gagged and we traded spots again.
By the end of all our gagging and cleaning, we were laughing hysterically. Patrick was proud. And we had chorizo (pork and beef mixed together – yum!) for breakfast soon after, so I guess the experience didn’t kill us. I called the vet and she said Bianca would be having the puppies within the next two days! And yup, I’m on kitchen duty all week. It was worth it.
Tonight we have lined the floor of the bathroom with newspaper, just in case. We’ve had enough chorizo for one week.
P.S. I’m so bummed! My favorite team, Mirna and Charla, got elimated tonight on The Amazing Race. What a traumatic day it has been!
See more crafty ideas in The Crafty Chica Project Library! All content/photos copyright, © Kathy Cano-Murillo, 2008.