Being a plus-size mamacita, I actually have a FGC (Fat Girl Confession) about every 30 minutes. But since I can hear my diet angels flapping their wings, coming around the corner; and because I start on Jenny Craig on Monday just like my recent inspiration, Kirstie Alley, so I am going to share my most recent FGC.
Before I start, check out Kirstie’s blog! I *heart* her…
OK, so today…I decide to skip lunch because I wasn’t hungry. But my friend Michelle started JC today and I wanted to observe her eat her second JC meal (chicken hot pocket thingy). She concluded it was tasty. I go back to my desk upstairs where I am greeted by a co-worker, Bill, who happens to be super buff and healthy. He had received a small box that contained three mini-cheesecakes. Each was about the size of a hockey puck.
“Kathy? Want some cheesecake?” he asks. He sits by me, therefore he knows I would LOVE some cheesecake – any time, any place, any where!
Heck yah! I think. “Oh, no thanks. I start Jenny Craig next week, I should really pass…”
“No, go ahead,” he says. “Make this your last hoorah. Here – I’ll open the package for you!”
I watch him pop the plastic covering and my mouth waters. There is condensation on that plastic. I’m convinced.
I reach in and carefully, lovingly, lift the pretty espresso mini cheesecake and place it on my notepad. He walks away to set the remaining two pieces on the free-for-all table so other staffers can partake. “Cheesecake!” he announces across the newsroom.
In the meantime, I survey my glistening edible treasure and guesstimate if I can take a clean bite, or if I will need a fork. I decide to go for the bite, forgetting that I sit in the main aisle way of our department. I lift the cheesecake hockey puck to my lips with my chubby hand, and go in for the score.
It was too big for a bite!
But I had come so far. How goofy would that look for me not to bite a piece and to set it down again? I didn’t want to make a scene, plus I was worried a drop of drool would fall from my mouth, making even more of a spectacle of the situation. So my ‘fight or flight’ mechanism clicks in and I stretch my mouth open as wiiiidddde as I can to get the bite. And just as my front teeth skim the top of the confection, I see a skinny page designer watching – slightly horrified (disgusted?) as if I were a gorilla at the zoo picking bugs from my head. I quickly got the bite over with, and crumbs fell all over the front of my blouse.
I should have thrown the dang thing away. But no. I pull out my silver letter opener and use it as a makeshift fork to scrape up every last crumble. It was good cheesecake, OK?
I finish, clean up my area, throw away the espresso-smudged notebook page, adjust my hair, apply a fresh coat of lipstick and go back to work writing my story.
It was then I noticed people walking by with napkins and little teeny slivers of cheesecake on them. “Yay! I got some cheesecake!” they chanted to one another. They were all excited about getting little slivers from the remaining two cheesecake hockey pucks, and here I had just polished off a whole one ALL BY MYSELF! I couldn’t believe how far that cheesecake went, it seemed everyone around me had gotten a tiny piece and was grateful and joyous about it.
Bill walked by, and I stopped him.
“Everyone is all excited to get a sliver of that cheesecake!” I whispered, totally ashamed.
“Yah? So?,” he asks.
“Please take it to your grave that I ate that whole one by myself!”
He chuckled and went to go get some cheesecake for himself. I started to feel kinda woozy, that cheesecake was my lunch, and topped with the humiliation of a FGC in the making, I was ready to call it. That is until, I got the best news of the day.
“Kathy!” Bill says as he comes around the corner to his desk. “Someone else brought a cheesecake, a big one! No one got slivers from the two little ones I set out, they were eating from the BIG one. There’s LOTS of cheesecake over there! You don’t have to feel bad anymore!”
He made me feel so much better!
“Thank God!” I thought as I released a sigh of relief and clenched my chest. But I still felt queasy. It was my last hoorah afterall. I hope it’s my last FGC as well!
peace, respect & glitter.
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