“Seriously, we’ve all talked about it, but no one has told you because we don’t want to hurt your feelings.” My sister told me tonight. “We thought you were aware of it, so we just – well, let it be.”
My jaw dropped in awe. I turned to Maya, who was sitting next to me. She had her eyes closed and nodded her head *sistah* style. “Yup, Mom. It’s really bad.”
That’s what I get for trying to be a helpful older sister. See, my younger sis is single and hungry for a man. But she is too shy to – as Tyra calls it – “get sexified” – you know, heels, sexy outfits and such? Instead she struts her 5’2″ stuff while donning black Converse sneakers, rolled up jeans and oversized t-shirts. And no make up. And a ponytail.
So tonight at the Cheesecake Factory as we were waiting for our salads to arrive, I decided to intervene with a heartfelt suggestion on her clothing.
“Can I tell you something about something you wear that looks really bad and drives me crazy?” I said in my most heartfelt tone. With confidence, I even added, “And in return, you can tell me something about what I wear? Deal?”
“Deal.” She said.
I proceeded to preach from my witness stand. I confessed my inner most feelings about her sneakers, hair choices and revving up her inner beauty.
“Are you done?” she asked.
“Um-hum. Go ahead. your turn…” I beamed back.
She cleared her throat and clasped her hands on the table. “Kathy. There’s no nice way to say this. But…you need to BURN that elastic waistband black skirt. It’s hideous. If anything, you should at least wear a girdle with it because you jiggle like Jell-O and everyone can see. And the slit goes too far up your legs. It shows way too much of your white legs. You’ve been wearing it for years. You always swear you won’t wear shorts in public, but you may as well since you are showing it all off with that skirt.”
“Are you for real?” I asked. She was talking about my beloved black skirt! The one I’ve been wearing for more than six years, that I think (thought) shaved pounds off my frame. It is made of heavy duty polyester and goes down to my ankles – covers more sins than Martha’s poncho. I’m size 20 with thick bottom limbs, I don’t have a lot of options. I didn’t want to believe this lunacy!
Theresa continued. “YES, I am for real! Listen to me. Just last night Mom said she was going to buy you a gift card to Lane Bryant in exchange for you handing over that ugly skirt. I cringe every time I see you in it, which is every other day.”
“First of all,” I volleyed back, “I have THREE black skirts that I rotate. I…I…I’m fat! What else am I supposed to wear? If I wear a short skirt, my chubby knees show, and if I wear one that cuts at my calves, that’s bad because that is the widest point of a person’s body. What am I supposed to wear instead? Tell me, I’d like to hear this!” I barked as my fingers motioned “bring it on”.
“Slacks.” she said.
So now I am thoroughly embarrassed that I have worn that skirt all this time and no one told me how awful it looked. Tomorrow, or probably Monday night, I’m dipping into my savings to go score some new threads. Although I have no idea where to start. Theresa thinks we should have a black skirt burning ritual to signify the end of an era. I like that idea, but the darn thing is polyester and I think it would emit hazardous fumes. I think she should torch her black sneakers while we are at it.
Right now I’m wondering what else is there in my life that could use some ditching. It is so easy to get hooked on items for comfort, when really it is just kinda holding you back and making you look like an idiot. I know for a LONG time, I didn’t want to cut or change my bushy curly hair. It was so big that things would get lost in it – like pens, a Charms Blow Pop and even a baby lizard. One day at work this girl told me: “I love how you are so loyal to the 80s, your hair looks so cool like that!” Eventually I changed it. This is another one of those things.
Why do I invest so much time and money in art supplies, but not on *me*? Theresa’s truth stung like a white hot nail, but I needed to hear it.
On the drive home, Theresa flipped open her cell, dialed my mom and said: “Operation B.S. is completed.” She then handed the phone to me. My mom said “Good for you! Now what time is the bonfire?”
– My iPod works again! Just like in the movies, all hope was lost and I was ready to chuck the thing for good, when I gave it one last try of a reboot and it fired up! I do accept that this is a sign of hard drive failure.
– The Crafty Chica Podcast is rockin’ the party!
– Today I worked with vintage glass glitter. It looks so gorgeous! It’s just like the stuff Martha used on the pumpkins. However, I realized the painful way that it really was glitter made from GLASS. I got some stuck under my fingernails. If only I had read the back panel, I would have seen that it is crucial to wear gloves when using. Now I’m in pain.
– Patrick and I have one more day of making art before Spanish Market this weekend. We have so much stock that I have to call and ask for an extra table. I hope we do good. Tomorrow will consist of resining the tops of tables and barstools, sewing greeting cards, making labels, price stickers and if I have time, sewing up some Latino-themed Christmas stockings. If any of you are reading this, come visit us at the Heard Museum (Central & Monte Vista) Sat and Sun, from 9:30-5 pm. I’ll give you a gift if you mention this! And you’ll get to see the glass glitter stuff I made!
– Here is an interview I did with Val Kilmer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
peace, respect & glitter.
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