The last boo-hoo.

It’s after midnight, and by the time I’m done with this post, I bet it will be close to 1 a.m.

Up until an hour ago, I was in code orange boo-hoo mode. And in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been there for almost a month. It sucks. It’s not depression or anything like that, but just dealing with change of life. I know a lot of people cruise by this blog and I usually don’t post anything ultra personal, but I think it’s my calling to share my experiences. Crafts, drama, glitter – right?

By day I’m a newspaper reporter and I LOVE, love, love my job and the awesome people I work with. I’m spoiled, iknow others don’t have it as good and that only makes me love it MORE. In fact, I love it so much that I refused to ever imagine the day when it wouldn’t be there. It was unheard of.

Not anymore.

So, like any large company, in order to keep up with the times, etc… things are getting shifted around. Nothing scary like layoffs, just shifting around. For the past month, every thought in my brain has been “What will happen to me? What will happen to me????” Also, I obsessed about what people thought of me, I replayed every scenario in my head where I could have done a better job, I listened to office gossip and became addcited to it. It got to the point that I worried so much about my place in the new world, that I couldn’t sleep, craft, cook, shop, clean, answer emails, see my friends. I just went to work, tried to concentrate on my tasks and get home to Patrick and the kids. I even gained five pounds from self-pity snacking. Not good.

I even got to such a point of paranoia and insecurity last week, that I hurt the feelings a friend who tried to help me. Stuff like that is foreign to me, I’m usually the one trying to make peace and keep everyone happy! The situation brought my self-esteem down about another 10,000 notches. I wished so bad I could go back in time. That I would have taken a chill pill. That I would of had more faith in my destiny, my karma, my work, basically in myself. As a result, my sister was mad at me, and didn’t talk to me for several excruiciating days. I know I joke about my sister a lot here, but I never realized how much I miss her when she is not around!! Taking our dogs out on our coffee runs and sharing the boring details of every minute of our time away from each other are truly some of the highlights of my life!

More boo-hoo!

Thankfully, over the weekend one of my guardian angel amigas Margot, sent an email to check up on me. In a paragraph I typed while boo-hooing, I shared my office drama. She replied with lightening speed and told me about The Tao of the Black Hat. You MUST read that post of hers -and all of her blog, it wil change your life!!

Anyway, her advice for healing was a crafty approach: buy a black hat and decorate it like a pirate or with skulls, take a picture in it, and then hang it up and put it on the wall. In other words, I had to own up to being the bad guy. And then I had to force myself to move on because I can’t change what happened.

I’ve felt a bit better this week, thinking of how “this too shall pass” and all those other cliches. My sister and I had a heart-to-heart last night, and I have faith that things will be OK with my friend. I’ve been thinking, how, in the big picture of life, this moment is just a fleck of glitter. Right?

Actually, I don’t see it like that. Those flecks add up to a LOT of sparkle. We have to choose our actions wisely and think FIRST if it will do something positive, move something forward for the good of everyone. Not just with our day jobs, but with our kids, spouses, friends and everything else. If it is purely a selfish action sprouting from insecurity, let it go! Think of the pile of glitter, it all adds up!

Just a couple hours ago, I was sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, trolling through celebrity gossip blogs, when my Aztec Warrior Angels must have smacked me in the head. I swear, I had a mini-outer body experience and I could see me sitting here, my face frowning, my body five pounds heavier, my hair all a mess and my bedroom a shambles.

That is NOT me! I’ve never been about wasting time, much less whining about things I KNOW have the power to change.

I felt a surge of energy and I hopped up, cranked up my favorite playlist, rearranged my room, took a shower, folded the laundry, answered emails and made a to-do list!! By golly, I think I’ve found my way out of the bottom of the sticky varnish jar.

I don’t know what will happen to me at work, or what my new job there will be. It’s not that different from anything else in life when you think about it. We have no guarantee that things will continue as we wish they would. That’s why we have to make the most of RIGHT NOW, savor the smiles. Do what you love and love what you do, thank kind of deal, ya know? Plus, my dad always told me change is good, it makes us stronger and more versatile.

I think back to my life before I was a newspaper reporter. Talk about change. I’ve come a long way. I had a long wild mane of kinky hair that I was proud of. I traveled through Europe, worked as a barista, and later a road manager for a Jamaican reggae band. I organized concerts and booked bands all over Arizona. I made jewelry and sold it out of the back of my car. I crocheted rasta tams and gave them away. Patrick and I led the boho life of eating cous cous, veggies and plantains. I cooked! Life was so simple then. And I loved it as much as I love life now, and it’s empowering to know no matter how things work out these days, I can make the most of any situation.

I can feel that I’m ready for a the next level. I don’t know what that is, but if and when it comes, I’m cool with it. I’ll embrace it and work it like Miss Jay on America’s Next Top Model. I’m ready to take charge (cue Get Up, Stand Up) and be thankful. I’m ready to put mascara on again. I’m ready to find my flow again. I’m ready to smile, laugh, blog, write, make art, cook, play and enjoy my family.

I *let myself* get knocked on my butt, I did it to myself. But now I’m getting back up on my own, taking charge and having faith in all the good things and good people around me. There are lots of them!

I’ve had my last boo-hoo!
***
Author of Crafty Chica’s Art de la Soul: Glittery Ideas to Liven Up Your Life ($19.95, Rayo Books, an imprint of Harper Collins).
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Love & light,


One Response

  1. Yes! Awesome post and a good lesson for all us. We can’t always choose what happens to us but we can choose whether or not to respond in a positive or negative way. Sometimes we’ll make a negative choice but then there’s another choice to face the fallout from that choice in a positive or negative way! We get so many chances in this life to “get up, stand up.” Love it. Thanks so much for sharing this.

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Kathy Cano-Murillo

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